whiney mini mind

Maybe there really is something wrong with me
I've spent most of my life wanting to never exist
spent my childhood thinking it's best to die as a baby, or fetus
discovered that it disgust me to cry when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade
made a vow few minutes after that discovery moment that I'll never cry,
whenever I feel like crying, better be mad, be angry as long as it involves no tears
spent a lot of solitary times as a teenager while being angry at the world
still liking that very solitude
and I think of giving birth to a life as something that can be as terrible as ending one's life, except if it's your own
in fact, I think it's more selfish to give birth to a life than committing a suicide
I'm always sad
even when I seem happy
I've never been happy
I've only been less miserable
and I know all the look-at-the-bright-side theory
very well indeed
and that makes me just so Goddamn annoying
I'm even annoyed at my own self whenever I'm not annoyed by anyone else


I'm pretty sure God made a mistake
that's why I hate birthdays 

a line, a turn, then

one-eyed spy would like to cry, 

cry..crazy like a baby. 

haunted like she wants to die,

but the lies still sing like she's never shy

their thoughts are dark

but they make a good art

when they roar sharp like a shark

to utter pathetic pride, to kill a heart

till be one with earth

there bought a ticket, a ride on a sinking ship

will leave the most trace

one nobody would've guessed

right

A Comparison?

a foul soul by nature

tried to win the world

tried winding the wound

a hole doll was nurtured

tried to bin the pinch

tried tearing the inn

a repeatable story

in the world of the lonelies and the lovelies 

Now Is Forever Until It Eventually Ends

let's cut our nails before we go to bed so we won't scratch ourselves when we're out for the count
let's talk before we're drown in incommunicado
let's grow a halo in the midst of radical hatred


let's not waste time
don't kill time
that's just how long you live
let's not take it away

I talk to the walls

so many things are bothering me lately
I wish I had someone to talk to, one who won't judge
but I had none


and these things are still bothering me
lately it seems like I'm losing to reality
nothing seems to ever goes my way


I used to be ashamed of admitting that I feel lonely
but now I don't anymore
I feel lonely sometimes
everybody does
it's just a natural thing, as things change and moments are replaced


I'm longing for some things now
and longing is waiting with a bunch of hope that develops into expectations
when you're not God, expectation is a bad thing
expectations kill surprise
and life is full of surprise


But if I live without desires
might as well I'd just be dead
Desire stimulates changes
and life is all about changes


so what now?

Revisiting

So yesterday I had a sudden urge to re-watch Beauty & The Beast
I remember I loved that story, just like I loved all the other Disney's classic animated movies
from the era when Disney was cool
when it was still..magical


Anyway
I don't remember what I used to love about that story
but I figured now, what separates it from all the princesses stories was that
it's not one of those stories where the princesses are just waiting to be saved
nor it was one of those stories where the princesses fall for a ridiculously good looking prince that they know in less than..like..ermm..3 seconds?
I love the fact that Belle actually fell for beast after getting to know him over a period of time and that she didn't care about his look


One thing though
it bothers me
what if, beast was a princess and Belle was a lad
would it has the same ending?
I think girls are judged about their looks way more harshly than guys
so would it change the story line?
I mean cmon, is there really any man who gives a (female)beast a second chance and see past her look?


I want someone to remake this movie
and see it from that perspective
I wish someone will


What do you think will happen?

TODAY

I was quite in a good mood today

although my chest in an on and off mode couldn't stop pounding

because of the interviews 

I cannot judge how it went really

I don't want to expect

so I just hope

it's killing me waiting for their reply

I keep on checking my mails

I've been pretty much just staring at my microsoft outlook for the past few hours

again I don't expect anything

I just wanna know

what I'm supposed to be preparing next

is it another interview or what?

I think I'll be sitting in front of my laptop till morning

maybe

unless I get sleepy

I hope I will hear good news

if it won't be good news

then I hope it will be a better one

crossing my fingers

:)

TRUST

Okay,
I'm upset
again


and sorry, but I need to vent it out


to be honest I'm even upset at myself
I'm bummed out because people who shouldn't matter bothered me
but I can't help it
I've tried 
many many times


I tried not to give a fuck of the world
heck yeah it feels good
but it doesn't last long
it can't last long
what? am I supposed to walk with one eye closed?
pretending that I only see things I want to see?
yeah I did that
and I tripped because of that
so I opened both eyes again, it's only reflex


yeah I know my mouth is still shut
so I am part of the guilty ones of letting this feeling as well
I only hope that they will get it
I can only wish that there's remorse comes along with those bitchy speeches
but they laugh and laugh
and moan and whine
and pretty much that's how they bond
and I hate it
and...
I don't wanna be involved in those kind of conversations
but
sometimes I'm drawn to it too
and I hate it more
I repent and I repel that 


is it really necessary to bring someone down?
does it make them feel better?
Is it just for fun?
Did they not think about what it feels like to be made fun of?
I don't know


No I'm not a saint for thinking this
this is only a selfish thought
because every single time I heard that kind of conversation
I doubt that I can trust them
and I don't feel like there's anyone I can trust now


I only ask for one thing in people
not to stab anybody's back
all else I'm willing to bear with


but I guess I picked the worst trait to choose
cos damn hard it is to find someone I can trust

Shrugs

can silence teach people a reason?

when is silence an ignorance?

or does ignorance make silence inept?

I'm still shrugging

or maybe it's just me

I'm the inept one

what can a shrug do?

nothing much

what can more shrugs do?

still nothing

I prison the voice, my voice because 

I don't wanna cross the border of being judgmental

but I'm human

I still judge anyway

but in silent

these thoughts now rambling

growing a tendency of misanthropy 

causing a slower heart beat

change nothing

if only there are rules

if only I know those rules

to wipe the hush

minimize the hush-hush

Just some videos I've done with my friends, It's a school thingy cos I know I'm boring like that

Everybody

Everybody preaches the talk
Everybody knows the path 
Everybody walks
but 
Everybody gets lost
and 
Not everybody knows this

Impostor

I scream in the dark

swimming in my head behind the sweet sham's back

wisdom comes in silence

but people are chatting in a loud conversation

a cigarette and champagne bond with the devil

for to sin is fun

now wisdom is just a demon

all these mischiefs army

glowing skin and sugar lips

pouring syrups 

to take and leave

memories of a barrel of laugh

which you'll chew until you find out

before you spit it out

I have no faith

not in that genuiness gospel

that you chant so well

cos it's nothing but a spell

I'm Breaking Myelf

feeling rotten, 

it's not a solitude

it's a loneliness

it's time passing

fetching nothing

it's not the end 

neither the beginning

it's a pause

but time has no brake

it does not stop

are not happy

were numb

are not numb

unloved and hating

regretting

I swim in hell

hell is my mind

but then again

read the first paragraph