Now Is Forever Until It Eventually Ends

let's cut our nails before we go to bed so we won't scratch ourselves when we're out for the count
let's talk before we're drown in incommunicado
let's grow a halo in the midst of radical hatred


let's not waste time
don't kill time
that's just how long you live
let's not take it away

I talk to the walls

so many things are bothering me lately
I wish I had someone to talk to, one who won't judge
but I had none


and these things are still bothering me
lately it seems like I'm losing to reality
nothing seems to ever goes my way


I used to be ashamed of admitting that I feel lonely
but now I don't anymore
I feel lonely sometimes
everybody does
it's just a natural thing, as things change and moments are replaced


I'm longing for some things now
and longing is waiting with a bunch of hope that develops into expectations
when you're not God, expectation is a bad thing
expectations kill surprise
and life is full of surprise


But if I live without desires
might as well I'd just be dead
Desire stimulates changes
and life is all about changes


so what now?

Revisiting

So yesterday I had a sudden urge to re-watch Beauty & The Beast
I remember I loved that story, just like I loved all the other Disney's classic animated movies
from the era when Disney was cool
when it was still..magical


Anyway
I don't remember what I used to love about that story
but I figured now, what separates it from all the princesses stories was that
it's not one of those stories where the princesses are just waiting to be saved
nor it was one of those stories where the princesses fall for a ridiculously good looking prince that they know in less than..like..ermm..3 seconds?
I love the fact that Belle actually fell for beast after getting to know him over a period of time and that she didn't care about his look


One thing though
it bothers me
what if, beast was a princess and Belle was a lad
would it has the same ending?
I think girls are judged about their looks way more harshly than guys
so would it change the story line?
I mean cmon, is there really any man who gives a (female)beast a second chance and see past her look?


I want someone to remake this movie
and see it from that perspective
I wish someone will


What do you think will happen?

TODAY

I was quite in a good mood today

although my chest in an on and off mode couldn't stop pounding

because of the interviews 

I cannot judge how it went really

I don't want to expect

so I just hope

it's killing me waiting for their reply

I keep on checking my mails

I've been pretty much just staring at my microsoft outlook for the past few hours

again I don't expect anything

I just wanna know

what I'm supposed to be preparing next

is it another interview or what?

I think I'll be sitting in front of my laptop till morning

maybe

unless I get sleepy

I hope I will hear good news

if it won't be good news

then I hope it will be a better one

crossing my fingers

:)

TRUST

Okay,
I'm upset
again


and sorry, but I need to vent it out


to be honest I'm even upset at myself
I'm bummed out because people who shouldn't matter bothered me
but I can't help it
I've tried 
many many times


I tried not to give a fuck of the world
heck yeah it feels good
but it doesn't last long
it can't last long
what? am I supposed to walk with one eye closed?
pretending that I only see things I want to see?
yeah I did that
and I tripped because of that
so I opened both eyes again, it's only reflex


yeah I know my mouth is still shut
so I am part of the guilty ones of letting this feeling as well
I only hope that they will get it
I can only wish that there's remorse comes along with those bitchy speeches
but they laugh and laugh
and moan and whine
and pretty much that's how they bond
and I hate it
and...
I don't wanna be involved in those kind of conversations
but
sometimes I'm drawn to it too
and I hate it more
I repent and I repel that 


is it really necessary to bring someone down?
does it make them feel better?
Is it just for fun?
Did they not think about what it feels like to be made fun of?
I don't know


No I'm not a saint for thinking this
this is only a selfish thought
because every single time I heard that kind of conversation
I doubt that I can trust them
and I don't feel like there's anyone I can trust now


I only ask for one thing in people
not to stab anybody's back
all else I'm willing to bear with


but I guess I picked the worst trait to choose
cos damn hard it is to find someone I can trust

Shrugs

can silence teach people a reason?

when is silence an ignorance?

or does ignorance make silence inept?

I'm still shrugging

or maybe it's just me

I'm the inept one

what can a shrug do?

nothing much

what can more shrugs do?

still nothing

I prison the voice, my voice because 

I don't wanna cross the border of being judgmental

but I'm human

I still judge anyway

but in silent

these thoughts now rambling

growing a tendency of misanthropy 

causing a slower heart beat

change nothing

if only there are rules

if only I know those rules

to wipe the hush

minimize the hush-hush

Just some videos I've done with my friends, It's a school thingy cos I know I'm boring like that